Being in an open relationship is something that I never thought that I would desire. And to be honest, it was something that I never even thought would be an option for me. I thought that I would find my significant other, date them, marry them, show them affection occasionally (I guess), grow old with them, and then die six years after they did. Never did I think that other people would be joining us.

After a year and a half of long distance dating, my boyfriend and I decided that maybe exploring an open relationship could be healthy. Being at different universities, I lived alone and felt like I was lacking some sort-of companionship, human touch. And my boyfriend . . . well he’s just a normal, sexually active boy.

And while I do believe that our experimentation with being open has strengthened our relationship, it by no means was a cake walk. There were good days and bad days. Phenomenal days and less-than-pleasant days. But in the end, I couldn’t imagine where we would be–who I would be–if hadn’t decide to explore.

But before we dive too deep into this, it should be without saying that every relationship is unique and special in their own little ways. And what might work for some might not work for others. And yada yada yada. So here they are: three do’s and three don’t’s in having a healthy, open relationship.

DO

KEEP A GOOD LINE OF COMMUNICATION

It seems obvious, but this can be one of the most difficult and most vital parts of maintaining a healthy, open relationship. If you have a problem, speak up! Your partner can’t read your mind and if you aren’t honest and open with them then how are they supposed to know that you’re uncomfortable. While the world would be a much better place if everyone could just think and act exactly the way you do, it’s unfortunately not how things work. Make sure to be vocal and welcoming. Create an environment where your partner feels free to come to you and talk at ease.

SET CLEAR BOUNDARIES

It’s best to go in knowing that these will change as your relationship develops. You may like what you were once afraid of and maybe you might be uncomfortable with what you had originally planned. But it’s best to come up with simple rules and limits in order to avoid conflict. For example, my boyfriend and I agreed to not hookup/chat with each other’s former classmates or friends. This just eliminates any uneasy feelings that could arise from avoidable situations. If you feel like you want a rule to change, then talk to your partner about it. However, do not force them to change boundaries if they are not okay with it. In order to stay happy and healthy you need to respect each others limits.

TRY NEW THINGS

This is your time to experiment further! Anything that your partner is uncomfortable with trying? Try it out with someone else! Your girlfriend won’t go near your feet? Find someone else to do it! Boyfriend won’t pour Hidden Springs Organic Vermont Maple Syrup down your entire body then lick you clean? Then find someone else to do it! Your partner won’t go on a cross country, tanning bed robbing spree with you? Well then, maybe you just shouldn’t do that?

DON’T

BE SNEAKY

If you feel like you have to hide something from your partner, then take a step back and reevaluate what you’ve been doing. In order to keep the relationship working, you need to be able trust one another. When I first explored my end of the open relationship, I felt a sense of guilt. Not because I had been hiding anything, but because that is what I had been conditioned to think. Talk to your partner, because I’m sure they’re experiencing the same emotions you are.

LIE

This one also seems a bit obvious. Of course, never lie! However, in this scenario I am referring to the smaller lies that you may feel the need to tell. Do not be afraid to open up to your partner. If they notice that something is bothering you and you deny it, that is a form of lying. Try your best to address problems that you have as soon as you are ready to do so.

PANIC

Just don’t panic! It’s easier said than done. While ideally I’d like to think that I’m not a jealous person, there were moments where I felt insecure in our relationship. There were times where I felt like I didn’t have control. And there were times where I felt like things just wouldn’t work out. In these moments, you need to take a step back and relax, examine what is triggering these unwanted emotions, and then make a plan of action. When we first started our open relationship, I was uncomfortable knowing that he was with someone else. Overthinking is a dangerous thing. And while you may think that you can easily overcome it and not get in your head, it may just surprise you. But you don’t want to spend hours alone wondering if your partner enjoys being around their hookup more, or if your partner is dead in their hookup’s freezer, or if they would be more of a power couple than you and your partner are. So in order to combat this feeling, I made plans with friends and occupied myself with other activities. This distracted me and kept me in a safe place in my own head. Eventually I outgrew this feeling, but I still find myself making plans when I know that my boyfriend will be with someone else.

It’s a long, winding road that isn’t going to be the same for everyone. It may work for some people’s relationships and it may not work for others. But the most important things are: to make sure that every person is on board (even the hookups), to make sure that everyone is comfortable, and to make sure that your partner is happy .